Ask and you shall receive and I am so thrilled at the issue brought to my attention because it’s BIG! And you can read the comment for yourself ---it’s the first comment on the TALK TO ME post. I just saw a second comment and it also raises some very important issues that I am going to address next --looks like the "pleather legging issue" is going to have to wait.
In a nutshell: what do you when you aren’t infertile, you are pregnant and having children easily and your friend is struggling with infertility? How do you talk to her? What do you do????? How do you deal with the strain this puts on the friendship.
First of all this situation sucks all the way around—no doubt about it. But that’s what friendships (the good ones at least) are all about---dealing with the good and the bad. You can only hope that you are lucky enough to have friendships that survive. I know I for one am a very lucky girl. There were a few years where I just disappeared from the radar screen. I know at the time, many didn’t understand why and they didn’t know what to do. But they gave me my space, stood silently in the wings (praying) and were there when I came back (so to speak). And for that I am forever grateful.
Here are a few “Infertile Blonde” tips for dealing with this situation---they are based on my personal experience---so you can take it for what it is.
1. It IS ok to feel badly for your friend who is going through infertility……it’s a horrible, dark and lonely road.
2. It is NOT ok to brush the subject of infertility under the rug---because it is very real for the 7.3 million women going through it every year.
3. I was always happy for my friends who were pregnant. ALWAYS. I never wanted my unhappiness to overshadow their joy. But that said it was not easy to sit through baby shower after baby shower. Eventually I stopped attending---would always let my friends know why and would send a gift---it was NEVER ABOUT THEM…..It was to difficult for me. I believe this is true for many.
4. It is NOT ok to not invite your infertile friends to your baby shower thinking you are doing them a favor. It is very hurtful.
5. It is NOT ok to let your infertile friends hear about your pregnancy through the grapevine. But that said ---I always wondered why sometimes I was the call they made 3 seconds after peeing on the stick. I still get those calls and I will never understand why. I find it strange.
6. When #4 and #5 happened to me it saddened me to think that my friends though so little of me. It is impossible to rise to the occasion when your friends assume that you can’t or won’t.
7. So how do you tell your struggling friends you are pregnant? I always appreciated a friend who called and said this: “I am not sure how to tell you but I love you and I want you to hear it from me. I’m pregnant.” A perfect phone call in a not so perfect situation. I always thought those friends showed true courage and great strength of character. Try to steer away from an impersonal email----truth is it just shows you don’t have the guts to say it live or face to face.
8. It is NOT ok to complain to your infertile friends how terrible you feel during your pregnancy.
9. It is NOT ok to say that you wish you weren’t pregnant and that it was unplanned to your infertile friends---this information should be kept to yourself.
10. It IS ok to love your infertile friend.
11. It IS ok to tell her your heart aches for her.
12. It IS ok to cry with your infertile friend over a glass of wine (trust me she’ll need it)
13. And it is most definitely ok to be over the moon happy for your friend when she becomes a mother---no matter how it happens.
14. Most importantly---always think how you would like to be treated if the shoe was on the other foot. Think before you speak…..
And if all else fails just say “I’m sorry—that was insensitive” if you put your foot in your mouth……believe me, it happens to the best of us.
I’ll end this post with a heartfelt thank you to all of my friends may not have known exactly what to do ---neither did I---but you stuck with me and you were there when the BOY came home…….you’ll never know how much it meant. And hopefully, god willing, it will happen again soon.
Love much,
xob
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7 comments:
Can I add one more?
It is not ok under ANY circumstances to tell your infertile friend that she "is blessed to not have children."
Someone told me this and it cut to the very core, someone who has 2 biological children, and is no longer my friend. We infertile girls don't need friends like that.
Please tell your infertile friend you'd like to understand what she is going through.
Please tell your infertile friend that she has made you appreciate how blessed you are to be fertile and have children or how blessed you are to be able to afford adoption.
Please do not shut your infertile friends out, or treat them like they are invisible.
If they need to talk about their infertility, please listen, even if you do not understand.
Thank you Becky.
Love,
Julie
(sorry if I duplicated anything you already said, it is an oversight on my part)
oh did I say "one more" ??? LOL, I'm just a bit passionate about the subject of infertility.
:)
j
i believe if every infertile couple adopt an orphan . it will be a blessing for that kid as well as the suffering couple .. give it a thought
iampregnant35 - if only it were that easy.
I would also add that it's not OK to ask, "Why don't you just adopt?" as if it's as simple as ordering the salmon when they are out of risotto. Adoption is a wonderful thing, but the decision to adopt does not immediately take away the pain of infertility. It's a long, scary, uncertain road and many people don't realize how difficult the process is.
As a friend a fellow sister on the road of infertility I have a few comments...
I think it is MORE hurtful NOT to invite someone to your baby shower. While of course I can understand (and did understand) them not coming, it seems more rude to exclude them. More like they aren't worthy of friendship because they cannot reproduce or like they have something I might catch. At least that's just my take on it.
I think I was the chicken who emailed you. For me, it was easier to write it out so I could see and not stick my foot in my mouth as much.
For me I ALWAYS felt happy for my friends who were infertile and got pregnant---but I always felt really HORRIBLE when someone else got pregnant. Those pregnancies hurt me. The ones where a fellow sister crossed the finish line, didn't.
I'm still jealous of those who can get pregnant easily. I would still desire more and I can honestly say the pain is no less than before I got my first blessings (twins).
From the other side of the coin....
What do you do when you are the pregnant one with no fertility issues, and suddenly your best infertile friend is (poof) gone? This is what happened to me and it was very hard to deal with. After months and months of being there for my infertile friend, I learned that I was pregnant and bam -- she was gone.
Having not walked in those shoes, I certainly tried to understand how hard it must be for someone in this position. But for a moment, can't I just say "what about me?" Having your first pregnancy/childbirth is a very scary thing. Hormones are a ragin'. The marriage changes, your perspective on work changes. Everything. And what's a girl to do when she has no BFF to lean on during these somewhat stressful times?
After my first child was born, it took her 3 months to come and visit. I was hurt beyond repair. That was almost 5 years ago and our relationship will never be the same. Thankfully, she now has 2 children of her own and that part of her life is now happily fulfilled. But I will never forget how she wasn't there for me, or my child.
Food for thought....
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