A great comment was recently made to my post of 1.23.09 “There are no rule books for this.”
And she’s absolutely right.
Short story: What happens to the “fertile” woman who gets pregnant and her “infertile” best friend disappears? Here is a link to the comment: FROM THE OTHER SIDE OF THE COIN(scroll down to the last comment):
https://www.blogger.com/comment.g?blogID=7209109634143071364&postID=2869609585857974079
While the pregnant woman acknowledges the uncomfortableness of the situation, she is still deeply hurt that her best friend just left----with no conversation. Nothing. And I have say I feel for her (the fertile woman) but I am not sure how to respond.
I have sat on my response for days.
There are so many things I want to say…..but where to start.
So I will do what I do best……I’m going to “wing it” .
I am not naïve. I understand that friendships don’t always last forever. But I don’t believe that they should end over the fertile/infertile issue. I believe the woman who wrote the post has every right to be severely hurt. I also agree that it would have been a very uncomfortable conversation but best friends should be able to work through that.
My friends know that I say this every day: Having children is hard---no matter how they come into this world. And we as women both infertile and fertile need to stick together and support each other for the courage and conviction it takes to make our way down our chosen road. Because in the end we are all mothers…..or godmothers…..or the best aunts ever!!!!
It’s not easy always do or say the right thing or take the high road. We’re not just talking about “biting your tongue” or telling someone you “like their haircut” we’re talking pregnancies, and infertile vs. fertile-----and for the infertile friend we’re talking about scraping the bottom of the emotional barrel. And that just plain sucks! But did the infertile friend think that you would put off getting pregnant until she had resolved her own infertility issues? Or, did she wish you to be infertile too? I cannot imagine either option to be true.
I think there are so many topics for which there never seem to be the right words: Death, Divorce, terminal illness, unemployment, bankruptcy, drugs and infertility. But why somehow does everyone manage with this list one way or another except for infertility????? This I don’t have an answer for but I sure wish I did. But I am going to do my part to change that.
I wonder why your infertile friend didn’t send you a card telling you she needed some time to find her way……I imagine it would have eased your pain? You would have understood and perhaps it would have eased you both into the uncomfortable conversation and cryfest? I speak with experience on this one.
If a card is not your style you could try the following:
Take the highest road possible, suck it up and be truly happy and supportive for your pregnant friend (because you really are) and let her enjoy being pregnancy----she deserves to.
If the highest road is not possible (and it might not be---because it IS REALLY HARD) then do something to COMMUNICATE----but do not disappear.
Leave a voicemail that you are so happy for her but in deep pain over your own issues. Let her know that your reaction is about you and not intended to detract from her happiness.
Send an email with a similar message
Send a smoke signal---ANYTHING----JUST COMMUNICATE with your friend. Somehow you MUST let them know that you need space. That you love them and can’t wait to be an aunt----but you are hurting.
My guess is that if addressed, this situation can bring friends even closer.
I also speak from the experience of having my heart stabbed with a fork (not literally).
I have had the mis-fortune to walk in both sets of shoes. I was pregnant (via IVF -- three times/three miscarriages) and I had a very close friend who went through many unsuccessful infertility treatments and was resigned to not having children.
When I first told her I was pregnant (2003) she said that she was “happy” for me but it was forced (that part was clear). And then she told me that if I ever wanted to come visit WITHOUT my child that I would be more than welcome in her house.
It was at that moment our friendship ended.
When she heard I miscarried she came back into my life like nothing had happened and I couldn’t believe it----I think she was actually happy that I was “back in her boat”.
When my friend did get pregnant in the summer of 2005 she emailed me the news. I never had the courage to address the situation because I really to this day cannot believe the conversation really happened and I can not believe that after all we’d been through she didn’t have the courage to pick up the phone.
But the conversation did happen. And she did send me the “announcement” email.
And I did not communicate.
And we are no longer friends.
One of the “big picture” objectives of Helpusadopt.org is to get the world comfortable with and talking about infertility and everything that is connected to it---like adoption---in the hopes that history doesn’t repeat itself down the road and that maybe, just maybe a few friendships will be saved.
Love much,
xob
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5 comments:
I've experienced this one from both sides.... and neither was easy. I remember crying in the bathroom at work when I found out a supposedly good friend was pregnant and hadn’t told me to spare me the pain. A coworker heard me (I guess I was loud...) and actually would NOT let me leave until she talked to me. That pushy coworker turned out to be a fabulous friend – much better than the pregnant woman.
I also remember one of my best friends : ) coming to the naming of my twins very soon after her own miscarriage. I know it was hard for her, but it meant a lot that she was there. Not surprising, she is still one of my best friends.
So, I offer this thought - I think that going through these tough times makes and breaks friendships. I think the ones it breaks were probably not worth it in the first place and the ones it makes, are worth their weight in gold.
I think this raises a lot of issues that are very close to home with so many of us struggling through what feels like unchartered territory. Here is my opinion for what it's worth:
1. There definitely needs to be more awareness surrounding infertility and it's damaging consequences on friendships and relationships. I applaud your effort very much.
2. As an infertile woman, when I avoid my fertile friends, sisters, cousins, it's not that I want to be hurtful. In fact, not being able to be there for them just adds to my own pain and feelings of isolation. But sometimes it's simply a matter of survival for me. I don't want to act this way but it's often the only coping mechanism I can find.
3. I feel it's the responsibility of the fertile friend to understand that I may need some time to adjust to the news. I recommend that if you are the one who is pregnant, and your friend is being distant, that you send her a card saying you are thinking about her and trust that you will be there for each other in time. Tell her it's OK if she wants to disappear for a while, you understand and will be there for her if and when she needs you. She may not respond right away, but she will know that you are a true friend. If she can't be friends with you then you need to forgive her and understand that it's not about you. By sending her a card, she will at least know that you are doing your best to understand and that is what we need most. To feel like others are acknowledging and validating our situation, even if they can't help change it. I can't tell you how much better I would feel if someone would send me a card or email once in a while. Otherwise, it feels like people think I'm just too self-absorbed and feeling sorry for myself when really I am dealing with a very real, very deep loss.
4. Likewise, if you are the infertile one, it is your responsibility to express somehow to your friend that you are sorry you can't be there for her right now. You hope that in time things will change. Being in this situation myself right now, I find that writing a note is much easier than talking in person and it's a way to let my friends know how happy I am for them and how difficult this is for me but that I still care about them and love them. Although not ideal, I am hoping that in time my real friends and I will weather this storm. If anything, I will see who my real friends are.
5. Infertility effects everyone. Family, friends, fertile, infertile. As my sister told me, "When you hurt, I hurt too." This meant a lot to me because I needed to know that she understood me and that she was hurting too. Not that I want anyone else to be hurting, but knowing that they do gives our loss more meaning.
Hope this is helpful.
When I became pregnant with my first (perhaps too easily in fact), my very close friend had recently discovered that she and her husband would not be able to conceive chidren. They had been ready for kids since the day I met her and this news was more than a shock. I remember seeing her pull into the parking lot of our apartment building. As I walked closer, I knew something was horribly wrong(she had just come from the hospital, where they had learned the devastating news). I can still picture her face today...hollow, teary and maybe just plain empty. B/c I was there, she started to briefly explain. I will never forget it. I also try to never forget that I don't know what it feels like to be unable to have a child. Although I can imagine, it is not the same. I would be lying to say that our friendship didn't change a bit...She was happy for me (I was sad for her). She was changed by her news and I was changed by my news as well.
HAPPY ENDING!!!! Since, she has adopted two beautiful chidren, who were fated to be hers! They are the biggest blessings in her life, as are my two children. If only I had a crystal ball that day...wouldn't that have been nice!
Our outcomes were the same...motherhood and true joy!!! She just had a much different (bumpier) journey!
xo Liz
Hello! I have been reading for awhile and I HAD to comment on this one! :)
We have been certified to adopt for 10 months, and in those 10 months there have been 13 pregnancy announcments from family and friends (not acquaintances, FRIENDS). It has been HARD. I am both proud and not-so-proud of the way I have handled these situations. Some of them I am still sad or angry about, some of them I am FULL of excitement for (many of those pregnancies are now BABIES!). The two things that have had the biggest impact on me as far as I have handled the situations are 1)my relationship with the person pre-pregnancy (obviously :)) and 2) what they EXPECT from me.
For me, those that have allowed me to be there for them in my own way, on my own terms have been a piece of cake to handle. Those that have up front told me that if I am not their baby shower they will never forgive me (before the invites were even sent), were needless to say, much more difficult!!
I love the conversation you have going here! Good info and advice!
Great post. This IS so hard. My bff just had a baby and it's SO HARD for me. I'm happy for her, but it's just heartbreaking. I've been trying to have a baby for over 6 years and here she comes along and says 'I think I want a baby' and boom she's pregnant with a perfect pregnancy. I'm so jealous of those perfect pregnancies. I will never know those. If I ever do carry a baby to term it will never be with innocent joy that others get to experience. Our friendship is definitely on trial right now.
I can't stand that all she did her entire pregnancy was complain about pregnancy and I can't stand that now that she has a baby all she does is complain about not getting sleep. I wanna yell "At least you have your baby!" (We were both pregnant at one point until I had another miscarriage).
Argh.
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