I seem to be asking myself this question daily.
Why is the bridge from treatment to adopiton so hard to cross???
And I don't know the answer.
I can't seem to pinpoint it with others either.
But it's a scary bridge to cross for the first time.
I'll keep searching.......
Love much,
xob
Friday, March 13, 2009
Thursday, March 12, 2009
Wednesday, March 11, 2009
Miscarriage #1
When it happened all I could think was that everyone knew.
I panicked at the thought of telling people.
This wasn't any old miscarriage that I could sweep under the rug (is there even such a thing???)
This miscarriage had taken me years to get to.
The public factor was just horrendous!
When we started telling people we were pregnant, word spread quickly.
There were so many who knew our struggle and were happy for us.
It was wonderful.
I was in heaven.
It was a miracle.
But it wasn't meant to be.
I miscarried at 14 weeks.
I remember sitting at my computer the day after and composing my email.
"Dear Friends, we are sorry to let you know that we lost the baby...."
The words echoed in my head.
Lostthebabylostthebabylostthebaby
I sent the email to everyone we knew and knew we wouldn't be able to reach everyone---that scared me.
I knew it was only a matter of time before I would run into someone who didn't know.
And it would be horrific.
As I pushed send, I closed my eyes and said a silent prayer......
Please give me the strength to get through this in one piece.
And I did.
It took some time.
But I did.
You will too.
Love much,
xob
I panicked at the thought of telling people.
This wasn't any old miscarriage that I could sweep under the rug (is there even such a thing???)
This miscarriage had taken me years to get to.
The public factor was just horrendous!
When we started telling people we were pregnant, word spread quickly.
There were so many who knew our struggle and were happy for us.
It was wonderful.
I was in heaven.
It was a miracle.
But it wasn't meant to be.
I miscarried at 14 weeks.
I remember sitting at my computer the day after and composing my email.
"Dear Friends, we are sorry to let you know that we lost the baby...."
The words echoed in my head.
Lostthebabylostthebabylostthebaby
I sent the email to everyone we knew and knew we wouldn't be able to reach everyone---that scared me.
I knew it was only a matter of time before I would run into someone who didn't know.
And it would be horrific.
As I pushed send, I closed my eyes and said a silent prayer......
Please give me the strength to get through this in one piece.
And I did.
It took some time.
But I did.
You will too.
Love much,
xob
Tuesday, March 10, 2009
Sing it Sheryl.......
"No one said it would be easy......."
"No one said it'd be this hard...."
Sheryl Crow
Couldn't have said it better myself.
Love much,
xob
"No one said it'd be this hard...."
Sheryl Crow
Couldn't have said it better myself.
Love much,
xob
Thursday, March 5, 2009
Vintage is just a fancy word for……
USED.
That’s it. Used. Plain and simple.
You can dress it up anyway you want but it is what it is.
I however don’t care.
I love consignment/thrift stores and if I had more time would pop in more frequently. But consignment/thrift store shopping takes time, patience and creativity. I don’t usually have the first two.
Earlier this week I popped in three stores and found a treasure in the last one. I had to dig, but it was there.
I found the most beautiful mink stole. The fur is in almost perfect condition but when I went to try it on I noticed that the lining was in shreds--not even remotely wearable.
I almost put it back on the rack but the color of the fur was so beautiful---a rich caramel --perfect for An Infertile Blonde.
Maybe I could pop in a new lining and I’d be all set???
Price tag $50.
I figured it was worth a try.
I left the store with my new purchase and headed directly to my neighborhood seamstress where I picked out a new lining from her fabric supply.
My new stole will be ready at the end of next week.
Don’t worry; I’ll post a picture when it’s done.
I wonder what Rachel Zoe would say?
Love much,
xob
That’s it. Used. Plain and simple.
You can dress it up anyway you want but it is what it is.
I however don’t care.
I love consignment/thrift stores and if I had more time would pop in more frequently. But consignment/thrift store shopping takes time, patience and creativity. I don’t usually have the first two.
Earlier this week I popped in three stores and found a treasure in the last one. I had to dig, but it was there.
I found the most beautiful mink stole. The fur is in almost perfect condition but when I went to try it on I noticed that the lining was in shreds--not even remotely wearable.
I almost put it back on the rack but the color of the fur was so beautiful---a rich caramel --perfect for An Infertile Blonde.
Maybe I could pop in a new lining and I’d be all set???
Price tag $50.
I figured it was worth a try.
I left the store with my new purchase and headed directly to my neighborhood seamstress where I picked out a new lining from her fabric supply.
My new stole will be ready at the end of next week.
Don’t worry; I’ll post a picture when it’s done.
I wonder what Rachel Zoe would say?
Love much,
xob
Wednesday, March 4, 2009
The F Word
I was with a lovely group of women recently talking about infertility and the transition to adoption---something I do on a dailybasis.......
One word kept rearing its ugly head time again and again and again---- FAILURE.
“IVF FAILED”
“I had a FAILED pregnancy”
“My body FAILED me”
“We had a FAILED adoption”
“I FAILED……”
“My husband FAILED……”
“They FAILED to give me that information”
“My friends FAILED to understand what I was going through”
FAIL FAIL FAIL……
UGHHHHHHHHH
I actually started to keep track of the number of times the word (in one way or another) was mentioned.
Put it this way----I stopped. I couldn’t keep up.
And then one woman looked at me and said “How did you ever get beyond the FAILURE?”
Ahhhhhhh….a question I could answer.
Not only could I answer this question, I could answer it smiling.
“Jake.” I replied
She gave me a questioning look.
“When Jake came into my life, it all became very clear why all the other options had to fail. Jake is the child I was meant to have.”
“I found a different path to motherhood through adoption and learned that my failures weren’t truly failures. They were simply events that led me in a direction I wouldn’t have found for myself.”
And then I added, “It wasn’t easy…..but I got past the F word, you will too.”
She laughed.
As I left the event, even I had a sense of renewed optimism about my own road to adoption….but I remember those days of FAILURE like they were yesterday.
Love much,
xob
One word kept rearing its ugly head time again and again and again---- FAILURE.
“IVF FAILED”
“I had a FAILED pregnancy”
“My body FAILED me”
“We had a FAILED adoption”
“I FAILED……”
“My husband FAILED……”
“They FAILED to give me that information”
“My friends FAILED to understand what I was going through”
FAIL FAIL FAIL……
UGHHHHHHHHH
I actually started to keep track of the number of times the word (in one way or another) was mentioned.
Put it this way----I stopped. I couldn’t keep up.
And then one woman looked at me and said “How did you ever get beyond the FAILURE?”
Ahhhhhhh….a question I could answer.
Not only could I answer this question, I could answer it smiling.
“Jake.” I replied
She gave me a questioning look.
“When Jake came into my life, it all became very clear why all the other options had to fail. Jake is the child I was meant to have.”
“I found a different path to motherhood through adoption and learned that my failures weren’t truly failures. They were simply events that led me in a direction I wouldn’t have found for myself.”
And then I added, “It wasn’t easy…..but I got past the F word, you will too.”
She laughed.
As I left the event, even I had a sense of renewed optimism about my own road to adoption….but I remember those days of FAILURE like they were yesterday.
Love much,
xob
Monday, March 2, 2009
Period.
I got mine yesterday.
When it comes to that aspect of my reproductive system my body works perfectly.
To add insult to injury I get a full day of mildly unpleasant cramps (to say the least).
I hate that it still bothers me.
But it does.
It’s like a sharp stick to the eye.
A very sharp stick.
It’s not that I want to be pregnant at this point (trust me I don’t).
It’s just that for a moment it brings back all the months/years of wondering, the days/weeks/months of negative pregnancy tests and disappointment.
It brings back the pregnancies that ended in untimely bleeding.
It makes me laugh and roll my eyes at the insanity of it all.
I am healthy and my body is a precise well-oiled machine---except for one thing.
As I grumbled my way through yesterday I thanked god that my body doesn’t work perfectly.
Because if it had, I wouldn’t have Jake.
And that I can’t imagine.
And I wonder if the feeling will ever go away?
Or will I feel that sharp stick monthly until menopause sets in?
But that my friends is another post all together…
Love much,
xob
When it comes to that aspect of my reproductive system my body works perfectly.
To add insult to injury I get a full day of mildly unpleasant cramps (to say the least).
I hate that it still bothers me.
But it does.
It’s like a sharp stick to the eye.
A very sharp stick.
It’s not that I want to be pregnant at this point (trust me I don’t).
It’s just that for a moment it brings back all the months/years of wondering, the days/weeks/months of negative pregnancy tests and disappointment.
It brings back the pregnancies that ended in untimely bleeding.
It makes me laugh and roll my eyes at the insanity of it all.
I am healthy and my body is a precise well-oiled machine---except for one thing.
As I grumbled my way through yesterday I thanked god that my body doesn’t work perfectly.
Because if it had, I wouldn’t have Jake.
And that I can’t imagine.
And I wonder if the feeling will ever go away?
Or will I feel that sharp stick monthly until menopause sets in?
But that my friends is another post all together…
Love much,
xob
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